So, as all 3 of you know, I sing. Right? That's what I do. I sing songs in front of people. I've been doing it ( fairly inconsistently) for about 6 or 7 years now. So you'd think that I have it down... you'd THINK that when I did it now that I'd feel somewhat comfortable...
WELL YOU'D BE DEAD WRONG!
Our church is undergoing a massive change in how we operate and in doing so we are needing to raise a bunch of money.( about 200,000) For a mega church like Saddleback or something it'd be friggin, spare change, but for us its pretty major. Members of our community are trying all kinds of fun things to help raise the money. Bake sales, silent auctions, etc. Well, tonight, we had a fund raising concert. I opened the night up with a few songs.
I used to do this a few times a month and I felt pretty solid... I mean, I've never felt GREAT about my own music but, I felt OK with playing shows when I was doing it regularly. Well, somewhere between getting engaged, married, taking on the job at the church and here... I've totally stopped singing my own songs. I probably have played 4 shows in the past 2 years.
The lack of practice had left me feeling so rusty and so uncomfortable that it was like preparing to play my first show ever. I think I was LESS nervous for my first show than I was tonight.
So why did I do it at all? Why put myself through this miserable process of discouragement and fear followed by remorse and insecurity?
I asked Jesus that question recently... He told me simply, "That's how I made you. Its who you are. Its my story in you... so find a way to get past your fears and do it."
Well, tonight I walked off the stage feeling a little more like myself. A little more like I was one with my Creator...living into His original design for me.
Mark my words. I have to keep doing this. I can't keep stopping for years. Its who I am. It reminds me of this quote...
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open… No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
- Martha Graham
What's your thing? It might be the thing you're MOST scared to do.
Carly Calmes the First