Yeah, its both.
Two hours ago I was feeling really uneasy. My heart felt shaky and like it was teetering on the edge of some dark stuff. I had texted my bestie Aleece a funny picture and she promptly called me to laugh and chat...Oh, who's Aleece?
Here we are in 7th grade.
(Take a minute to process this)
Here's a nicer one:
She's my best frieennn. Anyhow, Aleece has known me since I was 12 years old. 12. We clearly went through all our awkward phases together. We became Christians on the same day at the same place. My family considers her a part of ours. She was the maid of honor at my wedding. She has pictures of me like this:
You get it.
Today, I'm reminded that sometimes you just need to spend some time connecting with someone who really... REALLY knows you. Its like connecting with yourself in a way because when you catch up with someone you can't bullshit, someone who knows when you're being a phony, you're forced to be your true self. Tonight on the phone, just by processing a few things out loud with her, I feel more like myself than I did at the start of the evening. Things came out of my mouth that I didn't even know I was feeling because with her, its like the real me feels permission to show up and come out into the open. I find it really hard to do that with new people.
In fact, most people have no clue but I have pretty bad social anxiety. It makes me nervous to be with most people. To explain this, it'd take me way too many blogs and it'd bore you all to pieces but, its REALLY rare that I spend time with ANYONE and feel like I'm myself. So, moments like this are treasures to me.
For most of us, those people who know us way too well aren't physically close to us. We've all moved to different places, have different lines of work, different circles of friends. But never underestimate the value of a chat with someone who sees straight through your defense mechanisms and the claims that you're OK when you're NOT. Our pastor often mentions that the greatest human desire is to be fully known and fully loved. The ultimate source of this kind of love is from God himself but, in friends like these, we get a taste of it, and boy It can set you right as rain.
So today, I'm deeply thankful for people who have stuck by me for years and years. Who have known the inner walls of my heart in several different phases, crushes, ventures and stages. Don't get me wrong, I have great and valuable friends who I've made in recent years but... there's a certain seasoned way about the old besties that you can't reach in just a couple of years.
Thanks for the chat, Aleece.
Carly Calmes the First